From: Sandra Martinez sandralys@earthlink.net
Title: A Marine's Toughest Challenge
Author: Sandra L. Martinez
Rating: PG-13 Mature topic.
Classification: Story-Drama, H/M.
Spoilers: Very minor from Game of Go, Vanished, Gypsie Eyes.
Summary: Mac faces her toughest challenge, while Harm faces his greatest fear. This story was inspired by the courage of my friend Joni. This story is for her. Thanks to Sheryl for her help.

Disclaimer: JAG is the property of CBS, Donald Bellasario, et al; this is a recreational endeavor, no profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

*****

Mac sat stunned in the doctors office. How could it be? Why her? If only she had taken better care of herself..

"I'm sorry Sarah. Now there are a lot of treatments we can try, this is not hopeless at all. You can survive this with the proper care and treatments."

Mac sat quietly; lost in her thoughts. There were so many things that she had never gotten a chance to do. Now the world just seemed to stand still. Important issues seemed so petty right now. All her future plans had just been stolen from her.

"Sarah, is there someone you can call? It will be important to have a support group around you now. There are many decisions you need to make and..."

"Thank you, doctor" Mac said matter of factly and stood up.

"Sarah, please, we must attack this and do it soon, women survive this every day"

The doctor reached out for Sarah, trying to get her to listen.

"Sarah, there are several things we need to talk about right away, discuss the various options, time is of essence."

"I just need some time alone.... I.....later, I can't....not now"

Mac walked out the door a tear rolling down her face.

***

Mac walked into her apartment. She sat on the sofa, still attempting to understand what was happening to her. She looked around. The photo of her uncle on the wall. Photos of her graduation from the Marine Corps. She closed her eyes and thought about the last few years. Her time in Okinawa, her time spent in Red Rock Mesa, her wild youth. God! All of the mistakes she had made. Was this her punishment?

Mac got up and walked to her bedroom. She took her clothes off and walked into the bathroom where she prepared a hot bath. She took a quick look in the mirror. Nothing seemed wrong with her, she felt good. Yet, inside of her....Mac stepped into the tub and sat down. She leaned her head back. The last few years had been her happiest, of that she was sure. She smiled at the thought of Clayton Webb setting her up that time by bringing her to JAG to investigate her uncle. Indirectly he had been responsible for her assignment to JAG. Yes, she had found her home there. It was like the family she never had.

Her thoughts went immediately to Harm. Harm--her partner. She remembered the times they had shared. Good times and bad. Harmon Rabb, her partner and best friend. She remembered the kiss they had shared in Norfolk. She could still taste his lips. How she wished that kiss had been for her and not Diane. Now when everything seemed hopeless she had to admit to herself that she had fallen in love with Harm a long time ago. How jealous she had been of Annie and now Jordan. Mac realized how dumb she had been. She should've told him how she felt. She should have kissed him again, she should of told him that yes it was true that she talked about him all the time, and yes, indeed she fantasized how it would be to be held in his arms, to be loved by him.

Tears rolled down her face. She had let the one thing she loved most, slip right through her hands. And now... now he would never know, she could not tell him now. She would be dammed if she was going to tell him she loved him now when he would probably feel sorry for her. Harm was so righteous that he would say anything to make her happy.. now.

Mac felt her world fall apart. Nothing matter , why even try to fight this, she would only lose.

"What's the use" she said to herself.

"I've never been a quitter, but now.. it doesn't matter anymore"

Mac had some plans to make. First of all quit JAG and move away. She did not want anyone to feel sorry for herself. She did not want anyone to deal with her burden. It was her problem, and she alone would deal with it.

Mac thought about Harm again. She could see his smile, feel his arms around her. She would never know how it would feel to be loved by someone like him. Mac broke down and cried uncontrollably.

*****

"Tiner, where the heck is Major Mackenzie?"

"Sir, the Major called in sick"

"Again?"

"Yes, Sir"

AJ walked towards Harm's office. In all the years he had known Mac she had never called in sick. Last time she got the flu he had to give her a direct order to go home.

"Rabb, what is wrong with your partner?"

"Sir?"

"Mac has called in sick for 6 days now, what is wrong? What kind of flu does she have?"

"Ah.. Sir.. I don't know. I do know that if she is not coming in to work she must be really ill otherwise I am sure that..."

"I know that, Rabb, that's why I'm asking. Have you talked to her?"

"No, sir. I have called a couple of times, but she has not returned my calls. She did leave a couple of messages with Tiner but... "

"Well she better get well quick. I'm starting to think she is going to do one of those to spread my wings deals again!"

AJ walked out of the office shaking his head.

"Spread her wings?" Harm did not like that option at all. Last time he had lost his partner it had made him sick to his stomach. He had been too stupid to stop her from leaving that time. It had taken him being charged with murder for her to come back.

Harm dialed Mac's number.

"Damn, that answering machine again " Harm had heard that msg. too many times already this week.

"Hi, Mac its Harm. How are you feeling? Why don't you call me? I'll try to stop by tonight on my way home. Hope you are feeling better"

Harm hung up. The admiral's words kept running through his mind. Suddenly he started to get a funny feeling inside of him. What if something was wrong with Mac? He had not called her enough, he had not gone to visit her. Now he was feeling real bad.

"She has always been there for me, and I just keep acting stupid"

Harm took his cover and walked out of the office. As he was stepping out he was stopped by Bud.

"Commander! Sir!"

"What's up Bud?"

"Sir, Major Mackenzie just called, says she will be in to work tomorrow. She wanted me to let you know that she is fine and she will see you here tomorrow morning."

"Oh, ok thank you, Bud."

Harm walked back to the office. Something did not feel right. He had just called her at home to tell her he was stopping by and she did not answer. Minutes later she calls in to report for work? Was Mac trying to prevent him from going to her home? But why? Harm turned around again towards the elevator. He was going to her place anyway. As he walked out he looked around the office.

"Bud, where is Commander Brumby? I haven't seen him all day?"

"Sir, he has been gone all week, special detail at the Australian Embassy, I believe."

"All week?"

"Yes, Sir"

Damn were Mac and Brumby....? Just the thought made him sick. No it had to be a coincidence.

"Sir, Commander Parker is on line 1."

Harm stood there for a few minutes. Damn Mac when was she going to realize that he....

"Sir, Commander Parker on 1?"

"Thank you, Tiner."

Harm looked at the elevator. Then quickly looked towards Mac's office, and then Brumby's desk.

"I really hate that man," he whispered to himself as he walked back into his office.

"Hey, Jordan, I'm glad you called, doing anything tonight?"

**

Mac's heart was still beating fast. Harm had almost come over. She did not want to talk to him, nor face him outside of the office. She had made a promise to herself that nobody would know about her problem.

She listened to the message on the answering machine again. She had always liked his voice. Heck, she liked everything about him! As she picked up breakfast from the table, the phone rang again.

"Hello Mac, its Mic. I've been calling but you're never there. You still owe that dinner date remember? I'll be back at JAG tomorrow. See you there"

Mac deleted the message. He sure was persistent. It had been months since he first mentioned that dinner date and she was still saying no and he was still asking! Mac felt sick to her stomach again. She ran to the bathroom and threw up one more time. She had lost count how many times that made today. She leaned on the wall. She sure hoped this treatment would work. She felt so sick and weak so often that she wondered if it was even worth it. But, of the treatments the doctor had tried to talk her into, this seemed the best at this time. Mac would not even consider the surgery. Mac sat on the bed. The first week was the worse she had been told. She could only hope that she would have one of her good days tomorrow.

***

"Major! It's so nice to see you. How are you feeling?"

"A little weak, I had a bad fever, but I'm fine now. Thanks, Harriet."

"If you need anything.."

"I will let you know" Mac forced a smile on her face.

Mac walked directly into her office but could not help to look into Harm's. He was there, on the phone.

"Hello, Mac."

Mac was startled by the hand that caressed her back.

"Brumby, what? Hello. I've told you that touching people like that can get you in a lot of trouble here in the office."

"Oh, you would not get me into trouble would you?

Mac forced another smile. Brumby was really starting to get on her nerves. She took another look at Harm's office and walked into hers followed by Brumby.

"Oh, the Commander's on the phone again? That Parker woman calls him all the time. I think they are pretty serious. Who knows maybe he will even pop the question?"

Mac tried not to react to Brumby's words.

"So, Mac, when are we going out? I know of this real fancy restaurant on the corner of ....."

"Brumby I've told you before I'm not interested. Why don't you ask Carolyn?"

"Because it's you I want to go out with"

"But, I don't, thank you but .."

"You're waiting for Rabb to ask? Don't waste your time. My mate told me that he does not think of you as a woman, you are only a friend.

As matter of fact he told me to ask you, it was his idea"

"Brumby, you are right Harm is my friend, and no I am not waiting for him, I have other things to think about. Now if you'll excuse me..."

"Oh, Mac, it's so pathetic you waiting for a man who does not even know you exist. First the Congresswoman now the Commander when will you...

"Out, Brumby!! Out of my office I have work to do!"

Brumby leaned on her desk.

"You'll come around, just let me know, I'll be waiting--Sarah."

Harm watched from his office as Brumby walked out of Mac's. So they were back to work. Harm got up and walked over to Mac"s office.

"Well. Welcome back, stranger."

"Hi, Harm, sorry I was gone. I was feeling so sick..."

"Yeah, I bet. So how is Brumby?"

"Fine. How is Jordan?"

"Fine."

Both of them stood there. Each lost in their own thoughts. Not knowing what to say next, both angry at the new people in the other's life.

"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better Mac. But better tell your lover boy that you have lots to catch up with so he better not make any plans for tonight."

"Oh, what? Are you trying to dump some of your work on me so you can escape early to see Jordan?

"You almost sound like a jealous woman Mac" Harm said with a tone of sarcasm.

"And you sound like a jealous man"

"Oh please! I......"

"Yes, I know, you don't think of me as a woman, Brumby told me. Which works out nice, since I don't think of you as a man, but also a friend"

Harm was upset. Mac noticed this right away.

"A good friend Harm"

" A best friend Mac" He smiled. Lately they both seemed so defensive. It was almost like Brumby and Parker were turning them against each other.

"Yes, Harm a best friend " Mac smiled. The last thing she wanted now was to fight with Harm. Specially now.

"I'm sorry you were so ill. I called but.."

I know, I know. I just did not even have energy to get out of bed. Thanks for caring, Harm"

"Hey that's what friends.. best friends are for"

Harm smiled again and went back to his office.

***

"Conduct unbecoming of an officer..... Imes" AJ passed the file to her.

"Drunk driving.... Mattoni. Assault..... Brumby. Second degree Murder, Rabb"

Rabb took the file from AJ. It was good to be back on the top of the list. He smiled at Brumby. At first, it seemed AJ was giving Harm a lesson. But that had passed. Harm was more humble now by the experience & was again getting the top cases.

Mac walked into the conference room, late again. Harm looked at her as she sat next to him. He had noticed how for the last few days she did not look well at all. Dark circles under her eyes, she was losing weight and just could not get rid of that stomach flu. Harm was worried, Mac just wasn't herself lately.

"I'm sorry Admiral.. I ...."

"Here, these are more files that need to be updated, Roberts will help you with the computer research"

AJ looked at Mac he could also tell that something was wrong. Knowing she was still fighting the flu he kept given her paper work to do. Oddly enough it did not bother her. The old Mac would've walked into his office to talk about the new assignments, but not now. It bothered AJ tremendously. Maybe she was indeed thinking about leaving again.

**

Harm was practicing his closing statements, when out of the corner of his eye he saw Mac rush towards the bathroom again. This made no sense, she was late for work, left early, could not shake that flu off and looked weak. He walked out as he followed Mac with his eyes.

"Sir, are you concerned as well?"

"Yes, Harriet, I am. How many times is that today?"

"Too many. I think that maybe..."

"What? " Harm turned to look at Harriet.

"Well, do you think she she might be pregnant?"

"WHAT?! " The thought had not even occurred to Harm. He could not even imagine the possibility. Suddenly he felt the need to hit Brumby hard.

"Well, Commander, I know its.... well....but I don't know.... I mean, not even I got that sick..... but well I just wish I knew what was wrong with her"

"Harriet, I intend to find out. Today is Tuesday right? She leaves early every Tuesday. The minute she leaves I want you to let me know, ok?"

"Yes Sir, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to follow her" Harm turned around and left.

****

Harm parked his car where Mac would not be able to see him. He followed her as she walked into a medical building. Before he could get close enough to her an old lady bumped into him.

"Oh I'm sorry ma'am.... are you ok? " Harm held the elderly lady quickly so she would not fall.

"Well, young man you should watch where you are going, didn't your mother teach you that....."

"Yes, Ma'am, excuse me! " Harm ran into the building but Mac was already in the elevator. He looked to see where it stopped.

"Damn, three different floors! I can't tell where she got off!" He looked at the board on the wall. Too many doctors listed. But one caught his eye.

"Doctor Hudson, gynecologist. Damn it, Mac! "

Harm felt heartbroken. But why should he. He was going out with Parker, why shouldn't Mac.... but Brumby? Harm got in his car.

"I need a drink. A tall drink! " he said as he drove to the bar around the corner.

***

Mac was laying on the sofa. She had done everything the doctor had told her. She followed every step, ate the right foods, took all the drugs, but for what? She was still back where she started so it seemed. Mac was tired. She could use someone to talk to, someone to lean on and yes someone to cry with.

Mac jumped when she heard the doorbell ring.

"Who could it be at this time? " she walked to the door. It was Harm. Mac quickly looked around the apartment, no evidence of her illness. She brushed her hair with her hands, took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Harm, is something wrong ?"

"Yes, there is. I thought we were best friends" Harm walked right into the apartment.

"We are, what's wrong?"

"We are, are we....? why didn't you tell me what was wrong with you? Why didn't you trust me?"

"Harm, what are you talking about? " Mac panicked, did he know? but how?

"I'm talking about what's wrong with you. You could have told me! "

Harm was obviously very upset and had been drinking.

"Harm, I don't understand.. I...."

"Why didn't you tell me? How could you keep this from me? After all we have been thru you could of told me! This has been obviously bothering you, you could have come to me to talk about it!"

"Harm. I'm sorry.....". I did not want to let anyone know...I...."

"Don't you think we were going to find out sooner or later .... unless of course you're thinking of....'

"Harm, I am dealing with this the best way I can. I did not want to burden anyone ? Burden? Mac you went to Russia with me, you risked your life! You have been there by my side every step of the way, do you think this would burden me?"

"I know.. I'm sorry....I'. Harm, I did not know what to do." Mac walked away turning her back to him.

" I have desperately needed you. I wanted to tell you, but I was thinking that it would be better if you did not know, I did not want to...."

"I can't believe he did not rub it on my face" Harm whispered.

"What?"

"Why did he say?"

"Who?"

"Brumby"

"Brumby? Harm if I did not tell you, what makes you think I would tell him?"

Mac was perplexed by Harm's question.

"Well, he needs to know."

"What? Why? Harm, he is the last person in the world that I would turn to for support or help"

"But Mac..... you mean to tell me that you are not going to have this baby? "

"What???!!! What baby?!!"

"Brumby's baby ? Harm even hard a time saying it.

"Brumby's baby?? What are you talking about?

"Mac..."

Harm was confused, she did not seem to really know what he as talking about. Then maybe it was not Brumby's baby.

"So, is not Brumby's. Thank God, just the thought was making me sick!"

Harm felt relieved.

Mac was now upset, hurt and confused.

"You came here because you thought I was pregnant with Brumby's child? You feel relieved now because its not his baby? So you don't give a damn as to why I have been sick or whose baby I could be having! You don't even give a damn that I could even be pregnant! All you care about is whether I slept with Brumby? You are as arrogant and self-serving as Brumby!"

"Mac that's not it at all, I was really worried about you, I just thought....."

"You thought ? You did not think at all Harm. You were just upset that Brumby may have shared my bed, and you never did!"

"I never tried!"

"Well good thing you did not waste your time, Commander!"

"It never crossed my mind !

Harm could not believe what he was saying. He was furious but his words, they made no sense. There was nothing that he had wanted to do more, since the day he met her, than to wake up with her in his arms.

"Get out ! " Mac was hurt, she felt so stupid. How could she have ever thought that maybe Harm had shared her dreams?

"Fine, hope you and whoever the father is figure this out!"

Harm started to walk out.

"I hate you ! " Mac screamed without even thinking of what she was saying. Tears rolled down her face. Harm froze. This had gone too far.

"Mac, don't say that."

"Get out!"

"Mac, please. I'm sorry. Please don't say that you hate me, I....I couldn't take that. You are too important to me"

Harm felt awful, He had been a jerk, he had behaved like an idiot. His jealousy had driving him to say some cold, stupid things. He walked towards Mac.

"Please, Mac, tell me you don't mean that"

"Why, because Commander Rabb is just too good, too pure, too wonderful for anyone to hate?"

"There are plenty of people that hate me, I just don't want it to be you."

"Wonder why so many people hate you Harm or dislike you? Could it be because you always have to be right, because you always have to be the best, you always have to win?

"Is that how you feel about me, Mac? " Harm could not believe what he was hearing, the woman he loved hated him. He could feel his heart aching, he feel the pressure on his chest, he found it to hard to breathe.

"What do you care, Harm? I'm probably not perfect enough to even be your partner, well don't worry you won't have to deal with me for much longer!"

"Mac, what are you saying? You are the best partner I've ever had, I can't imagine being at JAG without you... you are not leaving again, are you Mac?"

He could not lose her not again.

"What do you care? Oh yes of course you need someone to keep covering for you, someone to help you out of all the trouble you get in.

Well, Cdr. Parker can do that now. You don't need me anymore, then again you never did!"

"Mac....." Harm could not believe what was going on. This had gone too far. He could not believe any of what she had just screamed at him.

"I don't give a damn about Jordan. I do give a damn about you! "Yeah, sure you do, get out Harm, just get out !"

Harm walked up to Mac.

"Yes, you have always helped me, you have kept me out of trouble many times. I thought that's what friends did. I was there for you too, Mac. I'll admit you have done more for me, than I have for you, and I am grateful for that. But what you have given me is much more than just help or support.

You have made me a better man, Mac. I know that. You have made me see things about me, that..."

"Harm I don't want to hear any of this, its too little..... Too late"

Harm walked up to Mac so that now he stood inches away from her face. Mac tried to move away, but he held her arms.

"Yes, I was furious about you going out with Brumby. The thought alone of you in his arms made me sick! And, yes I hated the idea of you having his child and yes, I hate it that you are having another man's child, because...."

"Because the Top Gun, hot shot attorney had to keep his conquest record intact?"

Her words hurt him deep inside, just like he was sure his had hurt her minutes ago.

"No, Mac, it drives me crazy because I wanted it to be MY child, because". Because I love you, Mac"

Harm wrapped his arms around her and kissed her pasionately. He could feel her pushing him off., resisting him. How could he have been so wrong? He was stronger than she was and refused to let her go. But feeling her resistance broke his heart. That time in Norwfolk she had been willing....now, she was pushing him away. Just when he was going to pull away, Harm felt her return his kiss. He felt as she stopped fighting him and it was almost like she wanted to kiss him as much as he did her.

Mac had tried to fight it. She had wanted to hurt him, to drive him off. The best thing that could happen was for him to drive away, to leave her alone. She had tried to insult him, to hurt him. The words she had said were like knives going into her heart. But, no, Harm was still there.....he had told her he loved her!! Now more than ever she wanted to drive him away, she could not put him through this, she loved him too much. Mac knew that she would never be kissed like this again. She wanted the kiss to last forever, she did not want to let go. This time he was kissing her, not Diane. But now, what was the use now?

Mac pushed Harm away.

"You conceited son of a ...."

Mac said as she slapped Harm across the face hard. It was the most painful thing she had ever done. Mac was trying so hard to control herself, she did not know how long she could keep this charade going.

Harm's face felt the painful slap from Mac's hand. But the pain inside of him was much worse. Harm stood there in disbelief. He took a few steps away from Mac and stared into her eyes for a few seconds. His eyes red, he turned away.

Mac felt like daggers were twisting inside of her. The pain in Harm's eyes was too much for her to stand.

"I'm sorry, Mac....Major.... I apologize..... I'....it won't happen again. I do love you, more than I've love anyone in my life, but I've made a terrible mistake. I guess I was hoping that you would somehow, maybe feel at least something for me, that maybe someday there could be a chance for us..... I....I'm sorry, for my behavior tonight"

Harm turned around and walked to the door. As he turned the door knob, he could feel a tear as it fell down his cheek. He heard Mac as she started to cry. What had he done, he never imagine she felt that way about him. And now she was crying because of his stupidity, how could he had been so arrogant to think.. he never should have kissed her.

"Harm.... it's just....... it's just too late" Harm stopped and turned towards her.

"Mac ...I.... I don't...."

"Harm, I love you so much.... I have for the longest time but it's too late, now it's too late"

Mac's tears freely fell down her face. Harm felt a glimmer of hope.

"Mac, it's never too late. I don't care about you having another man's baby, don't you get it? I love you no matter what, I always have"

"No, Harm, you don't understand, there is no future for us, not now"

Harm walked towards again.

"That's not true, Mac. We wasted a lot of time, but we still have our whole life ahead of us "

He took her chin and raised her head so that he could look into her deep brown eyes.

"No, Harm... we......I don't....... Harm, I'm not pregnant.... I have cancer!"

*****

Mac's words kept echoing inside of Harm over and over again. How could it be? Harm felt as if the weight of the entire world had fallen on his shoulders. It was almost as if his heart had stopped beating.

"Mac... what do you mean.. how....I mean.. when.. I.." Harm could not find the right words, it was as if his brain refuse to juncture anything that made any sense.

"I found out a while ago. I have breast cancer and ....." this was so hard to talk about, but this was Harm, her Harm.

"The doctor suggested a chemotherapy treatment, that's why I have been so sick. It has not worked as expected. She says that there are other things we can do.. but I .... I don't want to... I don't know anymore...."

Mac still had tears on her face. Harm felt so helpless. His Mac was in pain and he did not know what to do.

"But there are so many things they can do now, there has to be something ...."

"I don't know anymore Harm, I don't like the odds" Mac leaned her head on his shoulder. He lovingly placed his hand on her head and caressed it.

"Its going to be ok, Mac, we'll make it out of this... we ..."

"Harm, there is nothing you can do, this time I have to go at this by myself."

"No, you're wrong. We'll fight this together Mac. It's always been the two of us remember? I'm going to be here with you every step of the way."

"I'm sorry Harm, that's why I did not want to tell you. I know how you get, I did not want you to have another problem, something new to deal with. I wanted to drive you away. I wanted you to go and be happy, that's all I wanted I ... did not mean any of those awful things I said... but I ... I could not let you go thinking that I hated you. I'm sorry."

"Oh, my dear Sarah," Harm wrapped his arms around her small waist.

"I thought my world had crashed into the ground when I heard you say that you hated me.... but now..."

Harm held her tight. How he wished that Mac really hated him instead of her being this sick. If thinking she hated him was the worse thing he had heard in his life, knowing that he could lose her was the worse thing that could ever happen to him.

They stood there holding each other tightly for several minutes. Unable to let go of each other afraid of what lay ahead for them.. Mac lifted her head and smiled at Harm.

"At least now I'll die knowing that you love me."

"Don't say that, Mac, please don't say that. You are not going to die, I won't let you!"

"Oh, Harm" Mac ran her hand down his arms. It was really true he was there standing next to her.

"This is one thing we can't fix or get out of."

"No, but science can. We just won't give up. I won't give up, Mac, I won't!"

He leaned down and kissed her again. It was a kiss so soft, so pure. A kiss filled with so many emotions. Mac felt as if she was floating. For a minute she thought that if this is what it had taken for her to end up in his arms, then maybe it was worth it.

"I won't lose you, Mac, I won't let you quit on me."

Harm sounded so sure, his confidence that everything would work out was so intense that Mac almost believed it herself. Harm took Mac in his arms and took her to her bed. He laid her softly on the bed and he sat next to her.

"We should tell the Admiral"

"No, Harm. I don't want anyone to know. Promise me." Mac grabbed his hand.

"Why Mac? They care for you, they..."

"I don't want pity from anyone. I can do this by myself"

"Of course you can but why? They wont feel pity for you Mac, they love you. The Admiral, Bud, Harriet, heck even Webb! They would ..."

"No, Harm, no, swear to me you wont tell them."

"Ok, Mac, I don't understand it, but I promise."

Harm sat there holding her hand.

"Mac, you are tired, you need to rest...I.."

"Harm, will you stay with me tonight?"

"Of course, Mac." He smiled as he brushed the hair off of her forehead. Mac moved to the side of the bed giving Harm more space. He sat on the bed leaning his back on the backboard of the bed. Mac rested her on his chest. Harm ran his fingers through her hair.

"I'm afraid, Harm."

"Ssshh... it's going to be ok, Sarah, its going to be ok."

Harm closed his eyes. He felt the need to cry but he had to be strong for her. He caressed her again and again. He suddenly realized that Mac loved him, yes, Mac had said she loved him. This should have been a happy moment for him, instead it was the worst of his life. He could lose someone he loved so much... again. Harm felt just like Mac, he was afraid.

***

Mac got up to the smell of fresh coffee and pancakes. She walk out of the bedroom to find Harm setting the table.

"Uhm.. breakfast smells good." she said with a smile.

"Oh, I make pancakes to die for." The minute he had said the words he realize how stupid he was. He turned to look at Mac.

"I bet they are," Mac smiled at him. She would not have Harm walking on egg shells around her. She was a Marine and she could face this head on....

Harm smiled back. He noticed that Mac looked better. She had a good night sleep, that made him feel a little better.

"We're going to be late for work Harm."

"We'll call in sick, take the day off or.."

"No, Harm, we have a job to do."

"Mac.."

"No, they will get suspicious. God only knows what they will think. Look what silly assumptions you made."

"I'm sorry, I just..."

Mac walked up to him and caressed his cheek.

" I know, Harm, I know." She leaned towards him and kissed him.

"Uhm.. I could get used to this" Harm said with a smile.

"I think it's better if you don't."

"Mac, stop talking like that."

"Just facing reality, Harm."

Harm's face tensed up.

"Harm, I have a favor to ask you."

"What is it? "

"I have an appointment Friday with the doctor. She.... She needs to discuss .... Harm, "I..."

"I'll go with you, Mac"

"Thanks!"

***

AJ walked out of the office. He looked at Mac and Harm. He had been keeping a close eye on them. They were acting strange lately. Mac was looking a little better the last couple of days, but now Harm seemed to be the one not getting any sleep. Something was wrong with his two best officers he was going to find out one way or another.

He walked towards Harm's office. Harm sure looked worried lately. He was not really in the office at all, it was as if he was thinking of something else all the time. And he seemed to be spending way too much time with Mac lately.

"What the hell is going on here?" He thought to himself. He remembered what Harriet had told him when she questioned her. Could it be? Could Mac be pregnant? The way Harm was acting lately could he be the father?

No, AJ shook his head as he walked back to the office. He remembered Tiner telling him that; LCdr Parker had stopped calling Harm, and Bud confirmed that he thought they had broken up, but did not know why.

"Well, at least he will do the right thing." Still, something did not make sense.....something was not right. Harm would be happy, unless he did not care for Mac.

"Hell! He has to care for her!" AJ sat down, he had to know what was going on.

***

Harm and Mac walked into the doctor's office. He held her hand and squeeze it lovingly.

"Sarah, it's nice to see you finally brought someone with you. A support group is very important, glad you finally listened to me"

"Doctor, this is Lt. Commander Harmon Rabb..... my.. best friend."

"And the man madly in love with her, Doctor Taylor." He said with a smile as he shook the doctor's hand.

"Well I'm glad to hear that. Please have a seat."

Harm and Mac sat on a sofa facing the doctor.

"Sarah, in my opinion we have one option that we must think seriously about now. I told you I wanted to do a masectomy from the first day we discovered your cancer, but you refused. Sarah please reconsider, we must do this, and soon before it spreads any further."

Mac looked at Harm and quickly turned away. She felt him as he placed his hand on top of hers and then clasped it tenderly.

The doctor continued.

"Sarah, your life is more important than anything else right now, losing a breast is not the end of the world. We can do reconstructive surgery and ..."

"Maybe.... Harm it's not a good idea for you to be here, I...." Mac felt uncomfortable.

"Nonsense, Mac. Mac, you have to do this. If the doctor thinks that it is the most important thing to do then we must do what she says. You're what matters, I don't want to lose you." Harm looked into Mac's eyes.

"But..."

"No buts, Mac. I can't believe you did not do this from the beginning!"

"It's not that easy, Harm." How could he understand, he wasn't a woman.

"No, it's not, but you promised me you would do whatever was necessary to fight this. Well this is it, Marine, time to get tough and fight."

"This is not a war, Harm, this is my body and..."

"And I want this body to be around for a long time. What good is it going to ......"

Harm stopped and looked at the doctor for a minute. He was met by and encouraging smile.

"What good is a body if it's sick and you refuse to heal it? Mac, losing a breast is not the end of the world. But losing you would be the end of mine."

"Listen to him, Sarah. Mr. Rabb obviously loves you a lot. How can you possibly go wrong with someone like him on your side?"

"I have to think about it...I"

"Mac, there is nothing to think about. You know what you have to do." Harm insisted.

"Look, I'll leave you two alone while you discuss this," the doctor got up and walked out.

"Harm, I don't expect you to understand, it's not that easy."

"I know its not easy, Mac, but you have to do it. What are you so afraid of? Look, the doctor said it, there are things they can do, Mac most people won't even know."

"You will know. And I....I don't want to lose you.... if I.. then I will look.."

"My God, Mac! You're not going to lose me! Do you think I'm in love with you because of your body? Do think I'm that shallow?"

"Harm, you have to say that, but the truth is that men do care about women's appearance and this will..."

Harm turned around and took her chin with his hand.

"Sarah Mackenzie, I fell in love with you because of who you are inside. You are the most incredible woman I've ever met. You are tough but sweet, you're smart, yet fallible. The way you smile just melts my heart away. I love the way you walk, the way you talk. The way you tease me, and bug me and care for me. Mac, I love you for who you are."

"Harm, you're just saying that.."

"Mac, yes I love the way you look too. Your big brown eyes, your long legs, your lips. When you touch me my whole body jumps. None of that will change with just one surgery. Would you love me any less if I lost and arm, or a leg, or if I had a scar on my chest?"

Harm took Mac's hand and placed it on his chest.

"No, I would love you just the same, Harm"

"Don't take what I hold most precious away from me, Mac. I don't care about a change in your physical appearance, I care about YOU being here with me for the rest of my life."

Mac started to cry as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Oh, Harm, you are so good"

"No, I'm not. If I was, I would have told you that I loved you a long time ago. We wasted too much time."

"But we still have our whole lives ahead of us remember, Harm ? That's what you told me. I'm starting to believe it now."

"Good. Then you'll do it?"

"Yes, Harm I'll do it. I was a fool to wait this long. I hope it's not too late."

Harm took her in his arms and kissed her. All he could do now was pray that they would have the chance to share their dreams.

**

"Where is Rabb?"

"Admiral, he went out with Major Mackenzie."

"Doesn't anybody work around here anymore?"

"Well, Admiral, I think they have a small problem to take care of, Sir."

"What are you taking about, Brumby?"

"Well, I suspect the Major is...' "In my office--NOW!" AJ wasn't about to discuss Mac's personal problems in the middle of the office."

"Close the hatch, and tell me what do you know about what's going on."

"Well, Sir, I think the Major is pregnant."

"So?"

"So, I think Cmdr. Rabb maybe the father."

"Ridiculous!"

"Sir, I thought so too, but truth is I always thought Mac was in love with Rabb. But he is not, or so he told me."

"Rabb told you he did not love Mac? And why would he share that information with you Brumby?"

"Oh, man talk, Sir. I mentioned I was interested in the Major. He said he was not, that she was not even a woman to him. However I saw the way he acted after he realized I was interested in her. It seems to me the Commander likes to win at everything, so maybe he decided to..."

"Rabb is not that kind of a man, Me. Brumby!" The insinuation of Harm playing with Mac's feelings to beat Brumby to her, infuriated AJ

"I'm sorry, sir, I know you care greatly for them both. But after what I heard today in the library..."

"What did you hear, Brumby?" AJ walked up to him.

"Well, Sir, Rabb and Mac were talking about going to the doctor. Rabb kept insisting that Mac had to take care of the problem soon because the consequences would be deadly. I believe the Commander was trying to talk her into having an abortion, Sir. A child with the Major is not what he wants. That's probably why Cmdr. Parker dumped Rabb on his..."

"Nonsense!"

"Sir, I am sorry. I do know that Mac did not want to go to the doctor's but Rabb made her."

AJ could not believe it. Could Brumby be right? He would kill Rabb for treating Mac this way! Why hadn't Mac told him anything? Damn it! Mac was a smart woman, how could she?

"You're dismissed. Tiner, get Rabb in my office ASAP!"

"Sir I wish you would not tell him that I.."

"I won't, dismissed!"

Harm saw Brumby walk out of the Admiral's office. They barely smiled at each other as they passed each other.

"Reporting as ordered, Sir" Harm stood at attention.

"I want to know what's going on, and I want to know now, Rabb"

"Sir, what?"

"Don't play stupid with me Rabb. What's wrong with the Major?"

"Nothing Sir" He hated lying to his C.O

"How are you involved in her problem?"

"I'm not involved in anything, Sir."

He denied it, damn Rabb he thought he was a better man than that.

"I am going to ask you one more time, Rabb, what is wrong with Mac and how are you involved?"

"Sir, whatever problems the Major is having, I'm sure they are personal."

"You know what's wrong and you are going to tell me. You are also going to tell me what you are doing about it."

Harm remained quiet. He had given Mac his word.

"That's an order, Commander!"

Harm remained at attention. Not saying a word.

"Are you going to disobey a direct order, Commander?"

"Sir.... yes.... I'm afraid so."

"So you know what's going on! And I thought Brumby was the arrogant one around here! Your career will hit a wall if I have to charge you with DDO!"

"Yes, sir, it will. That's why I wish you would not order me to reveal the Major's personal..."

"Well, I am ordering you, Rabb!! So speak up."

Harm swallowed hard. He had never disobeyed the Admiral's orders, until today.

AJ looked at Harm as he stood defiant against his order. What Brumby told him had to be true, otherwise he would not go this far.

I'm ashamed to ever have considered you a son! You make me sick!" AJ was now inches away from Harm's face.

Harm did not move.

"How could you act this way with your partner? She saved your sorry butt in Russia ! This is how you repay her? I know she is pregnant, and I could understand if you were the father, heck I always thought you two had something special. What I refused to believe is your behavior. It's disgusting and I cant stand the sight of you!"

Harm stood there. There was nothing he could say. The admiral had made the same assumptions he himself had made at first. He was sure Brumby had something to do with this.

"Get out of my sight and you will be facing charges for DDO. Too bad I can't charge you with anything else ... YET ! To think I thought ou were in love with Mac!"

"He is, Admiral. " Mac made her way into the Admiral's office.

"Mac.. "

"Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

"Of course, Major"

"Sir, Lt. Roberts and Ensign Simmns reporting as ordered."

"I did not call you, Roberts."

"I did, Sir, what I have to say, concerns you all."

"Close the door, Ensign."

"Yes, Sir."

Harm still stood in attention. But he finally looked into the Admiral's eyes.

"Sir, it's not Harm's fault. I made him promise and he is just keeping his word.

"Promise what, Major?"

"Not to tell you the truth. I'm sorry, Harm, I did not mean to get you in trouble."

Harm just looked at AJ, fully aware than in minutes his C.O would be feeling awful about the assumptions he had made about him.

"Admiral, let me tell you what is going on and just how Harm is involved."

***

By the time Mac had finished telling them everything about her illness, the treatment, Harm's support and the upcoming surgery, Harriet was in tears, Bud was stunned and AJ sat quietly at his desk in shock.

"Mac, if there is anything we can do, anything at all..."

"Thank you, Sir. For now all I need is some time off and maybe a couple of prayers."

"You take all the time you need, Major."

"Thank you, Admiral."

They all stood there for a few minutes, the shock of what they had just heard not wearing off at all.

Harm still stood at attention, his eyes red as Mac had recounted her ordeal.

"Dismissed!" AJ said trying to avoid his voice from breaking. As they walked out of the office AJ stopped Harm.

"Commander!"

"Yes, Sir."

"I owe you an apology."

"No, Sir, you don't. I made similar assumptions myself."

"I still owe you an apology. I doubted your integrity and ...."

"Sir, its ok."

"You were just keeping your word to Mac. Nothing is more important than keeping one's word."

"Yes, Sir. Sir, I would like to respectfully request that Lt. Roberts be assigned to represent me on my DDO hearing"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Rabb. I don't recall giving you any orders."

"Ah.. No Sir...."

"I was out of order, Commander, I should not have interfered with my officer's personal life."

"Sir, you were concerned about Mac. Its one of the things I admire about you, Sir, the way you care about you officers and will go to any length to watch over us. You put your career on the line by going after us in Russia, Sir. Time and time again you have backed me up and that is a full time job with me, Sir"

Harm tried to smile.

"And that it is, Commander. I guess you just remind me too much of myself at your age"

"Thank you, Sir, that's a great compliment."

"Not really." AJ smiled.

"Harm, take care of Mac. Take a few days off. I'll have Imes, Mattoni and Brumby cover your cases."

"Thank you, Sir."

Harm walked out of the office.

"Tiner, have Commander Brumby report to my office immediately."

"Yes, Admiral."

****

The days before the operation were an emotional fwreck for all of them. Harm tried to keep Mac relaxed by keeping her mind off the surgery. Whether it was flying in his Stearman, going to a concert or simply walking and in hand in the park, they spent all their time together.

Mac & Harm were making dinner at her place when the doorbell rang.

Harm placed a kiss on her neck and walked to the door.

"Webb! What brings you around here?"

"Came to see how you guys are doing."

"Just fine, come on in."

Clay walked in holding a bag in his right hand.

"I just wanted to drop this off for you, Mac."

Mac took the bag and was surprised at what she found inside.

"Clay...... these are illegal...."

Curious Harm took the bag and looked inside.

"How did you get this, Webb?"

"Amazing what you can find in the evidence storage room."

"Clay, we're not in California, this is illegal here."

"Mac, they are supposed to help with..."

"Cancer, Clay, It's ok to say it" Mac said with a smile. "Anyway...." Clay was uncomfortable. "I read that they are supposed to help with..."

"Clay, you are the most outspoken anti-drug person I know," Harm was very surprised.

"Well being kidnapped by drug lords will have an effect on you," Clay said sarcastically.

"That's why I'm surprised you would be the one to bring this!"

"Priorities, Harm, and Mac is high on that list."

"Clay I don't need this for pain, at least not yet. Besides I would never take them. Thank you, Clay, it is nice to know you care so much."

Mac walked up to Webb and hugged him, placing a kiss on his cheek.

"Well, I'll see you guys Wednesday." Webb said embarrassed.

"Thanks, Clay" Harm patted him on the back.

**

Harm & Mac enjoyed dinner and then laid in each other's arms as they watched TV. As Mac rested her head on Harm's chest, he tenderly caressed his arm.

"Wow, she looks just like Cmdr. Colter!"

"Yes, she does. That's Trisha Yearwood." Harm pointed at a music video playing on the screen.

"They could be twins!"

The listened to the song....

" Without you there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, baby I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you, if you ever leave
baby, you would take away everything real in my life

Harm kissed Mac's head as he held her tightly. His worse fears could become a reality if he lost Mac forever.

" How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kinda life would that be
Oh and I, I need you in my arms need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life"

Harm loved the scent of Mac's hair, her skin. It was sweet and it intoxicated him with a feeling he had never felt before. As he held her close to him he tried not to think about the possibility of losing her. It brought a sence of fear to him thathe had notfelt before. Life without Mac.... it made no sence what so ever to him.

" How do I live without you, I want to know
How do I breathe without you if you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I, How do I, Oh How do I live."

"If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me, Baby 'cause you know
That you're everything good in my life"

As he listened to the lyrics he imagined his worse nightmare. What if the surgery wasn't successful. Harm fought to keep the tears from rolling down his face. The words of Trisha's song reapeated over and over in his mind.

"How do I live without you
how will I ever survive
Without you baby,
how do I live "

Mac turned around to face Harm. She caressed his cheek. And then placed a kiss on his lips. As he tasted the sweetness of her lips he knew he would never survive losing her. He held her closer to him as his hands ran down her back. "Will you stay here with me tonight, Harm?" "Of course Mac" "But tonight... I mean.... will you...." Mac stopped. Rather than say it she decided to show him what she meant. She started to unbutton his shirt and started to remove it.

"Mac, stop, if you are doing this because....."

"Because I love you, Harm."

"Are you sure? Its not because of the surgery .. and...."

Mac silenced his lips with a kiss. She removed her sweater and kissed him again.

"Mac, I love you so much" Harm said as he took her in his arms.

"And I love you, Harmon Rabb," They kissed again, and for that moment in time they forgot about what lay ahead for them.

***

Harm walked into the church. For the first time in his life he felt the need to come to this place. It was quiet, peaceful. He walked up and stood in front of the main altar. It was a strange feeling. He had never been a religious man, and yet today, he had ended up here looking up at the cross in front of him. Harm really did not know what to do, so he just stood there alone.

"May I help you, son?"

"Oh father..... hello.... I.... I was just leaving.. I ..."

"So soon? What's troubling you?"

"Ah.. nothing.. I really have to get going" Harm turned to walk away. "Navy pilot right... ?" The father said as he pointed a the gold wings on Harm's uniform.

"Yes, Sir" Harm turned around.

"Oh yes, Navy pilots are some of the hardest ones to get in here. It must be something important for you to have come here."

Harm smiled.

"Someone very important to me.... Well she ....I'm afraid I'm going to lose her and ...I don't know I just suddenly felt the need to come here."

"Sit down..." The father pointed towards a pew. Harm sat down.

"You must love this woman a lot"

"Yes, father, I do. She... I might lose her and I don't know what to do"

"There is nothing you can do to change what has been written. It's out of your hands. It's in his hands now."

"I lost my father recently and years ago I lost someone I loved dearly. It seems anyone I love dies. For some reason God just wants to take everyone I love away from me. So whatever it is I did to upset God, well maybe he can take it out on someone else and not Mac."

"No, God does not work that way. You haven't done anything, it's just life. We are born and then we die. Death is a part of life, you probably know that better than anyone else."

"I don't want Mac to die."

"Then pray for her."

Harm looked at the floor.

"I don't even know how."

"Then I will pray with you."

Harm looked at the priest in disbelief.

"Is all about having faith, son. Faith gives you hope and hope is all we need to go on." The priest knelt down.

"Come on, let's pray for her."

Harm slowly knelt down. As he heard the father pray next to him he felt a peaceful feeling inside.

He looked up at the altar in front of him and, for the first time in his life he prayed, as a tear fell down his face.

***

"Hey, jarhead," Harm said as peaked into Mac's room.

"Hey, squid!" She smiled as she quickly turned around.

"Uhm.. got to love these hospital gowns" He smiled as he attempted to take a peak behind Mac.

"Stop that, Commander." Mac said laughing. It was a nervous laugh.

Harm walked up to her and playfully hugged her.

"Well, I guess this it. No turning back now."

"It will be over before you know it, Mac."

"I will never be the same again, Harm, it will never be over."

"It's going to be ok, Mac. It's all about hope and faith."

Mac smiled as she wrapped her arms around him.

***

Outside the room AJ, Harriet, Bud, Uncle Matt and Clay waited in the waiting room. As they rolled Mac out of the room, they saw Harm walking next to her holding her hand.

"Hi, guys. You didn't have to come..."

"Oh, Major, of course we did." Harriet said with a smile.

"Yes ma'am." Bud replied with a tear in his eye.

Mac looked at the Admiral. She extended her hand to him and smiled.

"Semper FI, Marine."

"Semper Fi, Sir."

As they approached the operating room the nurse told Harm that he could not go any further.

Harm did not want to let go of her hand.

"It's going to be ok, remember? That's what you told me, Harm. I'm holding you to that."

"Yes, Sarah," Harm couldn't stop the tears. He squeezed her hand.

"Come on, suck it up, Commander " Mac said with a smile.

Harm laughed nervously. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

"I love you, Sarah"

Mac smiled.

Those were the last words she heard.

****

Harm walked back and forth in the waiting room. His hands in his pockets, he could not stand still. He looked over at Harriet as she rested her head on Bud's shoulder. If only he had been as smart as Bud and had asked Mac to marry him years ago. Now he could live to regret his mistake for the rest of his life.

Harm walked out of the room and out to the patio down the hallway. Harm leaned on the balcony. He felt as if something was pushing against his chest, it was a suffocating feeling. He remembered the words the father had told him earlier that morning. "Faith and hope...."

Harm wanted to believe.

"Harm are you, ok?"

"As best as it can be expected, Clay," Harmed leaned over the balcony.

"She will be fine, Harm. She is a tough Marine, she is not a quitter" "I know."

"Harm, if you ever need to talk...."

"I know, Clay, thanks."

"You can't keep it all inside of you, Harm. This will be tough on her, but it will be tough on you, too. I'm here if you need anything, anytime."

"Thanks."

"Commander, how are you holding on?"

"Admiral... ah.... fine, Sir." Harm turned to find the Admiral standing behind him.

The three men leaned on the balcony each lost in his own thoughts.

"So are you going to marry her?"

Harm looked at the Admiral startled by the question.

"If she'll have me, Sir."

"Good. We'll have to do some adjusting at JAG. Nothing we can't handle." AJ smiled.

"Oh, there you are, mates" Brumby walked over to them, with that annoying, stupid grin on his face.

"Hello, Brumby. What are you doing here?"

"Came to see how the Major is doing."

"I see" Harm turned his back towards him.

"Well, Commander, no hard feelings, I guess you win. Too bad you now get damaged goods."

Harm turned around furious at Brumby's comment. He was a stupid, sick, frivolous man. Before Harm could react to what Brumby had said. Clay had struck Brumby so hard on the face, that Brumby was thrown a couple of feet back before he hit the floor.

Bleeding from his nose Brumby laid on the floor . "You broke my nose!"

"Nice hit, Webb."

"Thank you, Admiral, I learned from the best" Clay said sarcastically.

AJ picked Brumby up from the floor.

"You don't deserve to be on my JAG team. Thankfully, I have to power to arrange that you are not on it a minute longer."

AJ took Brumby away. He knew that if he left Brumby near Harm a minute longer, they would be arresting Harm for murder in a matter of minutes.

"Inconsiderate, thoughtless bastard!"

"He just does not know how it feels to love somebody besides himself,Harm."

****

Harm walked into the recuperating room. Uncle Matt was sitting by Mac's bed.

"Has the doctor come in? Do we know anything?"

"No, Harm, not yet."

Harm looked down at Mac, She looked so pale.

"Come on, Harm, sit here." O'Hara got up.

"Oh no, Sir, its ok... I..."

"This is where you belong Harm, by her side. I'm sure she will want to see your face not mine when she wakes up.

Harm smiled as he sat next to Mac taking her hand and kissing it softly.

"Commander Rabb, Colonel O'Hara, can I talk to you for a minute?" Harm turned to find Doctor Taylor walking into the room. Harm & Matthew O'Hara followed her outside.

"It was a very successful operation. We were able to get it all before it spread. The prognosis is great, Commander."

Harm felt his heart jumping for joy. Tears of happiness filled his eyes.

"However, the real hard part starts now, Commander. And now more than ever she will need you by her side."

"Yes, of course."

"Commander, I won't lie to you. Some real hard times are ahead. Mac will have to under go some more radiation treatment to make sure we killed all of the cancerous cells. The doses will be stronger than before so she will be real sick. For the next few days she will be in a lot of pain. As time goes by the pain will decrease but it will last for awhile. She will have a hard time lifting her arm, getting her strength back......"

"Oh, you don't know, Sarah, Doctor, she is a touch cookie, she will be pushing herself to the limit in no time!" Colonel O'Hara exclaimed. "She is going to hate looking like a marine jsut out of boot camp though!

"She wont necessarily lose her hair. She didn't last time. Not everyone reacts the same, chances are she wont, but that is the least of my concerns" This will be her toughest battle. She will have a constant reminder of what she has been through" The doctor turned to look at Harm.

"Mac will have to heal her body as well as her mind. That's where you will be needed the most. She will be very depressed, self conscious. She will feel inadequate. She will have to heal inside and out."

"I'll be there every step of the way" Harm assured the doctor.

"Commander, you are going to have a hard time as well dealing with this. Do you have a support group that may ...."

Harm looked down the hallway where his C.O and friends stood by.

"The best doctor, the best"

*****

Everything the doctor had told Harm was true. Mac was in a lot of pain and sick to her stomach almost every day. She hated being dependent on Harm, but knew that she needed him more than ever in her life. Harm was there next to her night and day. Her every need, every fear and every comfort meet with a smile and open arms.

Harm could see how depressed Mac was on most days. Mac felt incomplete. She would not allow Harm to assist her all the time, so he occasionally had to call Harriet to help out.

Mac was sitting on her bed reading the get well cards she had collected in the last few weeks. Harm walked in holding a tray with fruit. Mac looked up to greet him with a smile.

"Hey, you have quite a collection there." Harm said as he started to sort through the cards.

"Yes, I guess I do." As Mac took a bite from the plate she felt sick. Quickly she ran to the bathroom. Harm's heart went out to her every time she got so sick. There was nothing he could do but be there for her. He waited in the bedroom for a few minutes. When Mac did not come out he got worried and got up to check.

Inside Mac sat on the floor crying. He immediately knelt besides her and put his arms around her shoulders.

"What's wrong, Mac?"

"I'm tired of being sick, I can't stand this anymore." Mac said as she cried uncontrollably.

"Mac, it will pass, it will be ok"

"No it won't ! I hate this, I hate having to depend on you for everything, I hate being sick all the time, I hate myself, I just wish I was dead!"

Harm sat on the cold bath room tile and took Mac in his arms.

"Don't you ever say that Mac,! I know how you must feel, Mac, I know."

"No, you don't!" Mac pushed him away. "You don know how it feels not to be you anymore, to have this body you hate, to spend most of your days throwing up. I can't stand to look in the mirror! Every time I lift my arm it hurts, every time I look at you I want to run away so you won't have to look at me this way. I'm .. I'm....."

Mac broke down in sobs covering her face with her hands.

Harm took her in his arms again. This time when she pushed away he did not let go. He held her tight and wrapped his arms around her.

"You're going to be just fine, Mac. You are a fighter, you are going to survive this and we are going to enjoy life to the fullest. You are the most courageous person I've ever known. You are not a quitter, and I won't let you start now! I was weak, confused and completely lost in Russia, without you I never would have made it out of there. You were so strong for me then, you will be that strong again!"

Mac felt the warmth of Harm's around her. She felt safe in his arms. She knew she had to do this. And she would. Harm was right, she was not a quitter. So many women survived this every year, she would too.

As they both sat on the floor they held on to each other. Harm softly rocked her in his arms until she fell asleep.

Months later

"Hey, flyboy, ready for a run?"

"Aren't you tired yet?"

"Nope, just got my energy going now!"

"Well, I'm tired ! Kick boxing, weights, I need a rest!" Harm threw himself on the sofa.

"Oh, sailors!" Mac threw the sports towel at him. Harm smiled. He watched as Mac went to the refrigerator. She had recuperated completely. Back in perfect shape, she was back at work, running circles around her partner.

Mac sat next to Harm and handed him a glass of juice.

"Mac?"

"Yes, Harm."

"When are you going to marry me?"

Mac got tense. Harm had been asking her to marry him for months. She always avoided the question.

"Did you make a decision on the Salazar case?" She said as she walked away.

"Mac, you can't keep avoiding me. I'm here, in your life and I'm not going anywhere until you give me an answer." Harm walked up to Mac and stood behind her. He placed his hands on her waist.

" I love you, Mac, I want you to be my wife."

Mac could feel his body leaning on hers. She could not move away.

"I'm not leaving you alone until you say yes" Harm kissed Mac on her neck. Mac crossed her arms over her chest.

" And if I say no, will you leave?"

Harm was used to her silence, actually getting a response from her surprised him.

"I'll never leave you .... No matter what your answer is, Mac." "In that case, Harm.... .. no, I won't marry you."

Harm felt devastated.

"But Mac, I....I don't understand... I...."

"I'm sorry, Harm, I don't love you.. that way. I ... love you, you're my best friend. I never would have made it out of this without you."

Harm moved away.

"Harm, I owe you so much, but I don't think you would want me to marry you out of gratitude."

"No. Mac, I wouldn't" Harm was heart broken. He felt awkward. He loved her so much and yet, she..... she was just grateful.

"I'm sorry, Harm. The last person I would ever want to hurt is you. Things have changed, that's all"

"Yes, they have." Harm picked up his car keys and walked to the door.

"Harm, you said you would not leave ....."

"I'm not leaving you, Mac. I never will."

Harm avoided looking at her.

"However just now the woman I love more than life itself, just turned me down. I've just found out... she doesn't want to share her life with me and I..."

"I do, Harm, it's just that ...."

"As a friend I know. I'll take whatever you give me Mac. I just need sometime by myself. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning for work. Bye" Harm turned around and walked out.

Mac looked out her window. She saw as Harm placed his hands on his car and leaned on it. His head hanging down.

"Oh, Harm, I love you so much. That's why I won't marry you ...." She whispered to herself.

***

Days went by. It was hard for Harm to deal with his feelings for Mac, but he managed the best he could. Mac knew she had hurt him badly but she consoled herself by knowing it was for his own good.

"That was a great show!"

"Yes, Trisha is really great!"

Mac and Harm walked into her apartment.

"Anything to drink?"

"Sure, do you have any diet soda?"

"Yes. The movie is on the VCR Harm"

"Got it. "

Harm took a quick look at Mac. She looked so beautiful. He took a deep breath. It was so hard to stay away from her.

Mac sat next to Harm as the movie started. Half way through the movie Mac turned to look at Harm.

"Why are you staring at me?"

"Because you are so beautiful. I'm sorry, Mac. I swear I have tried, but it's just that.."

Mac placed her hand over his mouth. She could not let him talk. She wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, but she could never allow herself to do that.

Harm removed her hand from his mouth.

"I love you, Mac."

Mac tried to get up.

"No, don't run away, not anymore"

"I'm not..."

"Yes, you are. Don't you think I know what you are trying to do, Mac? You are trying to run away from your feelings. You re trying to run away from me."

Harm placed his arm around her back and brought her closer to him.

"There is no reason to run away from this, Mac. You have to face it, head on."

"No, I can't... please, Harm, let me go."

"Mac, I love you..... I don't care if..."

"But I do, I can't stand the sight of you looking at me, I can't to feel you holding me in your arms, you deserve someone that..."

"That what, Mac? A supermodel with a perfect body, a perfect look? You are the only perfect woman for me, you are the only one I want."

Harm brought her closer and kissed her passionately. Mac tried to fight him, to push away, but could not. She loved him, and in his arms was exactly where she wanted to be.

Harm looked into her eyes. He could see the doctor had been right. She had warned him about this reaction.

"No, Harm, please... ... I need more time...."

"No, you don't, Mac. Stop running away."

Mac knew Harm was right. She had to deal with this.

Harm slowly unbutton her blouse. Mac placed her hand on his and tried to stop him "I can't ..."

Harm leaned down to kiss her. His kiss was so soft, so sweet. She felt as her body was moved by the pure love they shared. Mac wrapped her arms around his neck and let the feeling carry her away.

*****

Mac woke up, she couldn't remember the last time she felt this good. She turned to find his side of the bed empty. She put her robe on and walked out of the room. She stood looking at her living room in disbelief. There were roses everywhere. The entire living room was filled with roses of every color. The scent of her flowers filled the apartment.

"Harm?"

"You're awake!"

"What... what is this....?"

"Well, I figured I have struck out so many times with you, that I would try it this way. .Maybe I was using the wrong approach before." "What..?"

Harm approached her and gave her a single red rose.

"We met in a rose garden, Sarah..... so I found it fitting that I...."

Harm took a ring out of his pocket and placed it in her hand.

"Will you marry me?"

Mac was moved to tears.

"You are persistent, sailor." Mac smiled.

"Faith & hope, so I have been told."

"Harm.... I.... Harm are you sure? I could.. it could came back and ....I ..."

"And so many things can happen, Mac, but whatever happens as long as we do it together we'll make it out ok."

"You & me against the world." Mac put her arms around his waist.

"You & me... with some help from the big guy above."

"Sounds like a winning combination, my love."

"That its is, Sarah, that it is."

Among the dozens of roses around them, Harm & Mac kissed and sealed forever the love that had started years ago in a rose garden.

The End.